downsizing

I am wondering if there is a correlation between excess weight and an excess of possessions. I gave away my living room furniture today—don’t need so much furniture for myself. Its time to pare down possessions and pare down cellulite. Wonder if getting rid of excess possessions will naturally stop excess food consumption and excess weight. Downsizing in more ways than one.

still learning

Times of transition are particularly challenging to me. I am still shell shocked about the fact that my children have all grown up. Was I in a fog for 25 years not realizing this was happening, or was I just eating my way through the decades, not knowing that so many years had passed? Food is and has been the constant in my life—it doesn’t grow up and leave me; I eat it first then quickly replace it. Weight loss seems to be a similar story; lose, gain, lose, gain, lose gain. Every time I am certain that I have finally ended the battle, a new battalion of cellulite rises from the ashes, and challenges me to battle one more time. I have even spent some years proclaiming that the fat war was over and the fat won; but, I can’t even stick with that! Here it comes back again and I remind myself that I am still learning.

body wisdom

August 15, 2010
The other day I ran into a colleague that I haven’t seen in awhile and was shocked to see her looking so lean, healthy, and vibrant. When I commented on this, she said that she had lost 50 pounds in the past several months. Naturally, the next question was, how? Like me, she is one who has tried many diets and spent years going up and down the scale. This time, she looked at the root of the problem rather than trying another band aid solution. As many of us chronic dieters know, food is not the problem; self-discipline is not the problem; desire is not the problem. So what is the problem. She, like me, was using food as a coping mechanism for stress, anxiety, fear and so forth. After doing online counseling and identifying her food demons, she had begun to use food for what food is for—physical nourishment. I listened more intently as she shared what she had learned and how this learning had changed her view of food, dieting, weight, stress and so forth. A key point in the plan was that all food fits when eaten in response to physical hunger. Our bodies have the wisdom to signal us when food is needed and to again signal when they have had enough. As I am learning and pondering these bites (no pun intended), I am trusting my body to tell me what it needs and when it needs it and how much it needs.

charmed

The humorist, Erma Bombeck was one of my favorite writers. I especially love her comments about dieting. I so identify with her when she moaned about having been on a constant diet for decades and having lost over 700 pounds in that time. Then she says “by all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.” Me too, Erma.

me

St Augustine said—“men go forth to wonder at the heights of mountains, the huge waves of the sea, the broad flow of the rivers, the vast compass of the ocean, the course of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering.” Just for today, I am getting to know the wonders of myself, focusing on listening to and caring for me here and now.

icecream, i scream.

This past week I put my baby (18 year old baby, that is) on the greyhound bus, off to another extended volleyball adventure. Something about seeing that greyhound bus drive away flipped me right into a tailspin of emptiness, feeling a sink hole deep in my mother heart. Before I knew it, and certainly before the bus was out of town, I found myself sitting in the DQ drive through with a large mint oreo blizzard in my hand. Where did that come from? Perhaps it was my feeble attempt to fill the sink hole in my heart with ice-cream. Predictably, the ice-cream didn’t fill my empty heart, but only the fat cells on my thighs. (My sister tells me she is taking out stock in DQ for this, my year of transition from emptying nest to emptied nest). A simple walk with a friend would have relieved the emptiness illusion much more effectively while strengthening, rather than fattening my thighs. I could have bypassed the DQ and gone straight to the hills for a walk. Remember, remember, sugar never was happiness nor was it love, nor was it relief from any of life’s challenges.

the fork in the road

It seems that whenever I see a fork in the road ahead, I pick it up and eat (I DID say fork, didn’t I!). Anyway, I have some major decisions to make in my life in the next months, and I am feeling the fork in the road syndrome—eating in anticipation of the upcoming fork. Would life be easier then, with no choices to make? I heard a phrase once used, “the freedom of no choice”, asserting that sometimes simply having choices before us is stifling and imprisoning because of the overwhelming confusion it may cause, leading us to freeze in our tracks, incapable of choosing. I am not advocating a life with no choices, but sometimes it does seem that it would be easier to have only one choice for breakfast, one choice for lunch, and one choice for dinner with no alternatives in between. And, not just food choices, but life choices as well. How little risk and anxiety there would be if I could see my path straight ahead of me for the next 50 years and know exactly what is going to happen-- no unexpected forks or spoons or knives for that matter. For those of us who love to eat, a fork in the road is just that—a fork in the road.

on and on we go...

Someone once said that we are spirits having a human experience; not humans having the occasional spiritual experience. Last month, my dear friend and colleague (Donna) was killed tragically in a horse related accident just three days after retiring from her nursing job. When I met Donna, I knew that I had met a kindred spirit. I have thought of her wonderful life and how abruptly it was taken from her—a succinct reminder of how fragile the human part of experience is. And because this human part is so fragile and labile, how important it is to continually nourish the spiritual component of life. The bonus, of course, is that everything I do to nourish my body (nutritious life giving food, exercise, play, air, water, etc.) also nourishes my spirit. Concomitantly, the activities I pursue to nurture my spirit (giving, sharing, serving, praying and pondering, etc.) bring health and vitality to my body. My dear Donna was a positive example of both—caring well for her body while caring well for others. Her spirit continues and I am confident she continues to spread kindness and love wherever she goes. Now, she can do it much faster and to a much wider circle of people than she could while merely human. God bless you Donna. I will miss you terribly, and look forward to that day when we will take a long walk together in that eternal sphere where there is no pain, parting, or sorrow.

i am, that i am

I love my voice teacher. What I love most about her, is the beautiful feminine confidence that she exudes in her manner and dress; this, despite her substantial girth. I am sure that she must be 50 or more pounds overweight, and yet she dresses so beautifully with accessories and color. I see her as such a beautiful feminine person; and, besides teaching me voice, she is also teaching me to love how I look, and dress with greater care and beauty no matter what I have eaten or not eaten that day. I love her confidence and the fact that she never comments on her size or appearance. She just is, and that’s refreshing.

just desserts

This week a friend sent me a witticism lauding the benefits of desserts, drawing on the incident of Titanic passengers, who may have put off dessert that fateful day. The argument, of course, is that one must indulge and enjoy now, for one does not know what the future will bring. The assumption of such comments is that treats must be in the form of physical treats. Such an assumption totally negates the spiritual domain of humans. It has been said that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, not humans having the occasional spiritual experience. On that note, treats can come in the form of spiritual nourishment as much so as physical food. So, what if the passengers of the Titanic did forego dessert that day! Would it not have been a far greater treat to have experienced the love of God through prayer or song, or through giving kindness and assistance to others when the tragedy struck? This would have been a far greater and long lasting treat than to have eaten black forest cake or to have drunk expensive wine, or any other of the physical things we call treats (incidentally, each of these treats would have hindered one’s chances for survival in such a tragedy!). So, next time I am challenged with the claim “you gotta have some treats in life”, I will boldly and unapologetically answer, “I define treats, not by their ability to give pleasure only in the moment, but by their long lasting benefits—such treats would be spiritual treats that transcend beyond this mortal life”. Kindness, anyone? No calories attached.

reality bites...into tasty food!

For the past 3 weeks, I have avoided all processed and packaged foods. Not only have I made the environment more beautiful, I have also created greater beauty in myself. My epiphany inspired by this simple act is that the more packaging of food that ends up as waste, the more of that packaged food will also end up on my waist. If it fills the landfill, it will fill my fat cells too. On the contrary, buying food that is not packaged or processed (i.e. real food, like raw fruits and vegetables, whole grains and beans, etc.) does not fill waste sites or my waist site. Its real food for me.

ask and ye shall receive

The other day as I was walking to my doctor’s appointment, I was laboring over the issue of overeating. My walking chant was “why do I overeat; why do I overeat?” When I got to my doctor’s office, I looked up, only to see on her magazine rack, a cover story entitled “why we overeat”! Epiphany strikes again! I was reminded of a number of sayings from Christian and other thoughts ask and ye shall receive and when the student is ready, the teacher appears. The magazine article led me to a book at the local library and more wisdom to win the war on junk food. The wisdom, of course, was what I have always known, but needed some reinforcement again. For me, the principle message was, when I eat food the way God created it, my body will look the way He created it.

do, by doing...

As a teenager in 4-H clubs, I learned the motto learn to do by doing. I could alter this motto to say learn to think by doing. Much has been said about the power of thought to effect action; however, the flip side of this equation is that action also influences thought. Take the action of eating salt, fat, and sugar, which stimulates the pleasure centers of the brain, starting a chain reaction of thinking that influences the brain to think of salt, fat, and sugar. The more you eat, the more your brain thinks about eating and tells you to go for these substances. Conversely, eating nutritious food influences the brain to stimulate thoughts of eating nutritious food. The more you eat nutritious food, the more you want nutritious food, and thoughts of junk food gradually fade away. Not only are you what you eat, but what you eat creates what you think, which further influences what you eat.

deadly delights

My neighbor’s teenage daughter facilitated a profound epiphany for me the other day. News was out in the neighborhood that I had encountered a cougar while walking alone on the mountain. The day after this event Emily (my teenage neighbor), when asking me about the cougar experience, punctuated her remarks with “You have run into a lot of animals when walking alone up there and yet you still go up there.” The epiphany didn’t hit until a few hours later when I was ruminating on her comment. Why do I continue to go where I know there is danger when I have a choice not to go there? I could substitute cougar for any number of other objects that pose a threat to my peace and security. Case in point—sugar. Why would I continue to return again and again to a substance that has the potential to damage my health in so many domains? Just a thought for the day, thanks to the cougar and my teenage neighbor.

all thing in moderation...

Democritus said ‘throw moderation to the winds and the greatest pleasures bring the greatest pains.’ Can anyone who’s ever overindulged not attest to this simple assertion? Think how good that first cinnamon bun tasted compared to the second or third until, ugh, the stomach is extended, not only far beyond the realm of pleasure, but seriously into the realm of exquisite pain! If one is good, two is not better, and three is downright misery! The winds are chanting: keep me moderate; keep me moderate; keep me moderate.

The "James Factor"

The other day I had an epiphany while cuddling my restless little grandson. He had recently breast fed, but like most newborns, was continuing to frantically search for something to put in his mouth. As I attempted to sooth his panic at not having anything in his mouth, I said, “Ok little James, you don’t need to have something in your mouth constantly to be happy”. Then came the epiphany—with his little eyes focusing on my face I felt like he was responding “and neither do you Gramma!” (Of course, I , at the time, was stuffing MY face!" Was the universe sending me a message or what! Out of the mouths of babes comes indescribable wisdom. That epiphany continues to fill my soul as I continue my journey to wholeness. Days after sharing this experience with a walking buddy, she too said that it continued to be in her thoughts whenever she reached for something to put into her mouth. She calls it the “James Factor”. Go James!

the tale of a dieter

It is said that one of Michelangelo’s favourite sayings was “I am still learning”. This saying aptly fits my life as a dieter.

I’m not sure if I’m addicted to diets or to food or both and wonder which one is the stronger addiction. The first time I remember going on a ‘diet’ I was 15 years old and weighed 135 lbs. which was not overweight for my 5’4” frame; however my older sisters weighed less than I and I was sure I had to fit their 115 lb frames. That was in the 70’s and I never did get down to 115 lbs not then or since then. I thought that was the start of a food obsession but after some thought and learning about the 12 steps and addiction and such I realize that my problems were evident before that first diet.

Thankfully for me, I grew up on a farm and in an isolated community—the food we ate was largely whole grain (ground our own flour, made bread, grew a garden, etc.) There were almost no processed foods, rarely sugar, and rarely refined carbohydrates. At Christmas we had candy and baked goods and I do remember always being sick at Christmas from the treats. Thankfully they were rarely available for the rest of the year.

When I was 10 years old I spent a week visiting a cousin in the city; a very different lifestyle than I was used to—they had white bread and it was sliced!—something I had rarely ever seen. I remember craving that white bread and being hungry the whole week even though they fed me regularly (its not like they had no food in the house—it was just very different food—hotdogs, bacon, white bread, dry cereals—I had never seen processed dry cereal and thought it was great!) The more I ate, the hungrier I felt and I wanted to eat all the time. I was even secretly taking white bread slices out of the cupboard and eating when they weren’t watching. I’m sure I consumed loaves of the white stuff every day and my aunt must have wondered where all the bread went. In truth she probably knew and felt sorry for this poor deprived niece of hers who didn’t get any ‘good’ food at home. I also remember being extremely homesick there and wanting to be home so I’m sure the excess food was also filling my need for security. Curiously though, my cousin was fat and I wasn’t—though I was not skinny.

The craving for excess refined carbohydrates seemed to disappear when I was back in my healthier whole food lifestyle at home. The refined carbohydrates were few and far between so the opportunity to binge was not available.

Enter the middle teen years. After the above mentioned first formal diet I became very aware of my body and my desire to eat more than did my sisters (who never seemed to eat to excess like I did—but I’M not bitter!).

When I was near 16 my familial security ended abruptly. I left the ideology of my childhood and started public school for the first time in my life. This exposed me to many new and stressful experiences including food and chronic dieting and the realization that I was poor and my home circumstances were rather austere compared to others I saw. Until this time I didn’t realize I was poor. Poverty kept me from overeating though whenever I was around ‘junk’ food I ate to excess and wondered why my friends stopped when they were ‘full’. They would ask me why I kept eating after I was full. I remember saying ‘so, it still tastes good'. I never gave it much thought but I obviously had a problem and my weight started to show it!

After college I continued the cycle of dieting, binging, etc. always on the alert for the ultimate diet to end all diets! They all worked for awhile of course but I got used to being numerous sizes and using the ‘diet’ to get into a certain size for a certain occasion—the typical scenario. I ate my way through college—mostly refined carbohydrates, weighing 160lb for graduation and feeling ugly (all my roommates were ultra thin—why I would ask do they not eat like I do?).

After college and getting a job I had money for the first time in my life. I thought I had died and gone to heaven—so I decided to diet! It was a heady experience to actually get down below 130lbs but that didn’t last as I quickly ate everything in my path and ended up fatter than before. After a couple years of this I went on a mission to Hong Kong and my number one goal was to return (not necessarily with honour—though that too—but THIN!) I did return thin but had to plan the thinning to occur in the last few months so I didn’t gain again before my release date (is this pathetic or what!). Everyone at home was impressed (okay some shocked and envious) that I was so thin—though I was still in the 130’s somewhere.

After the initial thrill of post mission life I got back into shift work, a boyfriend, and fat! Here came the fat again—I was either gaining or losing but never balanced and stable. I married and managed to be thin for the wedding—after which I was on the gain once more. For the next 20 years I continued a pattern of dieting and binging having four children (using each pregnancy as an excuse to eat!) then dieting it off afterwards.

During the pregnant and parenting years I started regular walking which I have continued to this day and it has probably benefited me greatly though I have walked through many weight gains over the years. After 20 years of marriage, parenting, dieting, binging, etc. my marriage unravelled (though things were not exactly ravelled well before then—but food was always there to ‘keep me going’). By this time I was near 200 lbs and at an emotional and spiritual low in my life. Thankfully the adversity actually took my appetite away (this was an extremely rare phenomenon for me—I was finally at a level of stress or grief that my appetite left me!) After the divorce ended I realized I was thin! or at least thinner than I had been for awhile (145 lbs). During this time I also completed a MSc with a focus on health promotion so my health consciousness was increasing. I also decided to develop a closer relationship with God and put my trust in Him rather than man (since trust in man hadn’t worked too well!).

As post divorce life settled somewhat my appetite returned (DAMN!) & I started to gain once again—my solution this time was to exercise and that I did—walking & cycling obsessively during the summer but when Canadian winters settle in that’s not so easy and up goes the weight again. About this time, 4 years ago, I heard that a few ladies in my church community were starting a 12 step program for food addicts and I got in on it. I have continued to attend these meetings and to focus on progress rather than perfection.

And that’s my story today—I am still learning.

God's pharmacy

This week I watched a documentary on the lasted research in Alzheimer’s disease. The findings on the effects of diet and exercise were to say the least staggering. Even with all I have studied and experienced on nutrition and exercise I was still shocked to hear a researcher describe his studies and what had been learned. His studies focused on the role of antioxidants and exercise in promoting brain health. In a nut shell this was his advice for keeping the brain healthy and well functioning. First eat an abundance of fresh fruit and vegetables every day—he singled out broccoli and spinach as particularly high in antioxidants. Eating fruits and vegetables are more effective as antioxidants than is taking supplements claiming to be high in antioxidants. The reason for this is that its not just antioxidants that are needed but antioxidants in the right balance and combination. This can only be found in actual food fresh as it comes from the earth. Interesting! Is God smart or what. His (the researcher not God, although God probably inspired him) studies on exercise focused on its effect on intelligence, finding that intelligence and decision making skills are improved with exercise. He punctuated his comments with ‘what drug could you take that would do all this for you!’ I headed straight to the grocery store bypassing the supplement section for spinach and fruit!

today and today and today...

It seems that most of my life I have been an all or nothing kind of person. When the perfectionist realities of doing it all became impossible as they inevitably do then the nothing mode set in. The all mode includes living a multitude of past and future days all at once expecting to cope with this impossible pile up of days. The nothing mode was just that—do nothing because nothing works. Today I resolve to be a something person instead. I might not achieve perfection but I can celebrate simple progress however small it may be. I may not be able to do it all but I CAN do something. I can do something positive for myself today and make it just for today. My something for today is to live today and not yesterday or tomorrow. I can quite capably live what’s in front of me right now accepting that that is enough.

moderation mantra

The Greek philosopher Democritus is credited with having said “throw moderation to the winds and the greatest pleasures bring the greatest pains.” My own personal experience supports this claim. Having just come through that most excessive of all excesses of holidays Christmas, the presence of the pain of excess is almost as abundant as the snow that has been falling all day. From shortbread to monster cookies to turkey and stuffing there has been no food moderation in my house for a number of weeks. The pleasure of excess has now turned into the pain of consequences—a few more rolls and cellulite that are now the focus of once again working out one day at a time. It’s January once again and moderation is the word of the month.

seed of the season

It has been said that the best and most efficient pharmacy is within your own system. If that is the case then what we fuel our systems with has the power to heal or kill that system. This goes back to the old adage that you are what you eat. Food that is alive with essential nutrients as close to its natural form as possible is much more life giving and life promoting than food that has been processed, pummeled, putrefied, pretended or otherwise destroyed by the processes humans claim to improve upon what God initially created. This season of the year seems to be particularly fraught with the interference of man on what God has created as ‘food’ takes on a boxed and battered appearance in the name of convenience and comfort. So for this Christmas season one goal I have is to eat only healing foods that invigorate and stimulate my body’s built in pharmacy. Bring on the fresh fruit, nuts, and seeds of the season.