It is said that one of Michelangelo’s favourite sayings was “I am still learning”. This saying aptly fits my life as a dieter.
I’m not sure if I’m addicted to diets or to food or both and wonder which one is the stronger addiction. The first time I remember going on a ‘diet’ I was 15 years old and weighed 135 lbs. which was not overweight for my 5’4” frame; however my older sisters weighed less than I and I was sure I had to fit their 115 lb frames. That was in the 70’s and I never did get down to 115 lbs not then or since then. I thought that was the start of a food obsession but after some thought and learning about the 12 steps and addiction and such I realize that my problems were evident before that first diet.
Thankfully for me, I grew up on a farm and in an isolated community—the food we ate was largely whole grain (ground our own flour, made bread, grew a garden, etc.) There were almost no processed foods, rarely sugar, and rarely refined carbohydrates. At Christmas we had candy and baked goods and I do remember always being sick at Christmas from the treats. Thankfully they were rarely available for the rest of the year.
When I was 10 years old I spent a week visiting a cousin in the city; a very different lifestyle than I was used to—they had white bread and it was sliced!—something I had rarely ever seen. I remember craving that white bread and being hungry the whole week even though they fed me regularly (its not like they had no food in the house—it was just very different food—hotdogs, bacon, white bread, dry cereals—I had never seen processed dry cereal and thought it was great!) The more I ate, the hungrier I felt and I wanted to eat all the time. I was even secretly taking white bread slices out of the cupboard and eating when they weren’t watching. I’m sure I consumed loaves of the white stuff every day and my aunt must have wondered where all the bread went. In truth she probably knew and felt sorry for this poor deprived niece of hers who didn’t get any ‘good’ food at home. I also remember being extremely homesick there and wanting to be home so I’m sure the excess food was also filling my need for security. Curiously though, my cousin was fat and I wasn’t—though I was not skinny.
The craving for excess refined carbohydrates seemed to disappear when I was back in my healthier whole food lifestyle at home. The refined carbohydrates were few and far between so the opportunity to binge was not available.
Enter the middle teen years. After the above mentioned first formal diet I became very aware of my body and my desire to eat more than did my sisters (who never seemed to eat to excess like I did—but I’M not bitter!).
When I was near 16 my familial security ended abruptly. I left the ideology of my childhood and started public school for the first time in my life. This exposed me to many new and stressful experiences including food and chronic dieting and the realization that I was poor and my home circumstances were rather austere compared to others I saw. Until this time I didn’t realize I was poor. Poverty kept me from overeating though whenever I was around ‘junk’ food I ate to excess and wondered why my friends stopped when they were ‘full’. They would ask me why I kept eating after I was full. I remember saying ‘so, it still tastes good'. I never gave it much thought but I obviously had a problem and my weight started to show it!
After college I continued the cycle of dieting, binging, etc. always on the alert for the ultimate diet to end all diets! They all worked for awhile of course but I got used to being numerous sizes and using the ‘diet’ to get into a certain size for a certain occasion—the typical scenario. I ate my way through college—mostly refined carbohydrates, weighing 160lb for graduation and feeling ugly (all my roommates were ultra thin—why I would ask do they not eat like I do?).
After college and getting a job I had money for the first time in my life. I thought I had died and gone to heaven—so I decided to diet! It was a heady experience to actually get down below 130lbs but that didn’t last as I quickly ate everything in my path and ended up fatter than before. After a couple years of this I went on a mission to Hong Kong and my number one goal was to return (not necessarily with honour—though that too—but THIN!) I did return thin but had to plan the thinning to occur in the last few months so I didn’t gain again before my release date (is this pathetic or what!). Everyone at home was impressed (okay some shocked and envious) that I was so thin—though I was still in the 130’s somewhere.
After the initial thrill of post mission life I got back into shift work, a boyfriend, and fat! Here came the fat again—I was either gaining or losing but never balanced and stable. I married and managed to be thin for the wedding—after which I was on the gain once more. For the next 20 years I continued a pattern of dieting and binging having four children (using each pregnancy as an excuse to eat!) then dieting it off afterwards.
During the pregnant and parenting years I started regular walking which I have continued to this day and it has probably benefited me greatly though I have walked through many weight gains over the years. After 20 years of marriage, parenting, dieting, binging, etc. my marriage unravelled (though things were not exactly ravelled well before then—but food was always there to ‘keep me going’). By this time I was near 200 lbs and at an emotional and spiritual low in my life. Thankfully the adversity actually took my appetite away (this was an extremely rare phenomenon for me—I was finally at a level of stress or grief that my appetite left me!) After the divorce ended I realized I was thin! or at least thinner than I had been for awhile (145 lbs). During this time I also completed a MSc with a focus on health promotion so my health consciousness was increasing. I also decided to develop a closer relationship with God and put my trust in Him rather than man (since trust in man hadn’t worked too well!).
As post divorce life settled somewhat my appetite returned (DAMN!) & I started to gain once again—my solution this time was to exercise and that I did—walking & cycling obsessively during the summer but when Canadian winters settle in that’s not so easy and up goes the weight again. About this time, 4 years ago, I heard that a few ladies in my church community were starting a 12 step program for food addicts and I got in on it. I have continued to attend these meetings and to focus on progress rather than perfection.
And that’s my story today—I am still learning.
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