One thing all my diets have taught me is how to gain weight, so if there’s anyone out there wanting to gain weight read on! First, go on a diet! Yes, you heard me correctly—go on a diet. And it matters not which one you choose, just grab one and fly with it. Look at me—I’ve tried them all and do you see me having trouble gaining weight! See what I mean! The diets-- they all work equally well—the Atkins old or new, the grapefruit, the fit for life, the weight watchers, the weigh down, pray down, lay down and cry diet (I made that one up and I’ve used it many times—it’s very effective). Don’t forget to try the south beach, north beach, the no beach and zone and clone diets. When you’re done with those go on to the drastic measures of fasting and starving and concentration camp style eating (these are also great for the budget). The key for this first step in weight gain is to choose the diet.
Step two is to announce to everyone you know that you are going on a diet! Tell your family, your friends, your colleagues, pets, plants, and pastor (minister, rabbi, bishop, guru, reverend etc.). It may also be advisable to put an announcement in the local paper – something to let the community at large know of your intent. This is most effectively done around the beginning of the year. Step two ensures that everyone you know will be on the lookout for your dietary habits as well as watching how your clothes fit or do not fit!
The next step occurs as soon as you lose enough pounds to go down a size in clothes. It involves throwing out all your large clothes—dispose of them somehow. This is to show your commitment that you are no longer going to be the current size and will look forward to the shopping spree for your new sized body. The method of disposing of the clothes is irrelevant to your overall success—the key here is to just get them out of the house and your life. Some suggestions may be to give the clothes to the local clothing bank—to your church, or sell them at a garage—or burn them on main street with your bra or feed them to your mother’s goats. Just remove them from your plane of vision and from your psyche—for you are now going to be a new smaller size forever!
After you have accomplished the above steps sit back, relax, and watch the weight pile on! I can’t tell you how this phenomenon happens—it just happens and it may happen within just weeks of starting the diet. The rationale for such success is found in both the physiological and psychological realms of mumbo jumbo aka behavioral theories. Theory one asserts that after about three weeks (for some it’s just 3 days!) of rigidly following a diet plan, the dieter will be open to eating anything that can’t run and hide (actually I have been known to eat some run and hide food items too)!
Theory number two—refer back to theory number one—where’s Freud when you need him?
Personal experience has taught me that this theory is most certainly evidence based. After a few weeks of expert discipline and control while following a regimented plan—I can eat undeterred and indiscriminately for days, weeks, and sometimes years at a stretch. This, my dear thin friend is where your weight gain will start. Trust me—after your dieting weeks, nothing will keep you from food—my experience has been that during these moments of heightened food awareness following dieting, not even Daniel Day Lewis (loin cloth and all running through the woods as the last Mohican) could distract me from food (although I would invite him to eat with me!).
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